Babbling...

Do you ever wonder why whenever you want somebody they don't want you back? BUT as soon as you do as they say and move along, they come back full force and try to guilt-trip you into feeling bad about not wanting them anymore because you found someone else who actually wants you back. Only to end up losing that person too because the person from the past keeps bringing up shit that doesn't matter in this day in age. Yeah, that is life I guess. It sucks as hell, but I mean it's cool ya know? Just year three with dealing with depression and steadily getting hurt in a depressive episode. I cannot be like well fuck the world because then "I'm thinking about self-harming". I honestly want to go back to 2017 and do everything differently, but 2017 is the year that made me who I am today, outside of my depressive episodes. I can't change the past nor can I control people's actions and what they say. The ONLY thing I can control is how I respond to everything. I know once my anxiety is high, my thinking becomes irrational and everything I say is to hurt to your feelings because at this point you don't care that I am trying to keep myself from blacking out and fucking shit up. I remember this one time my anxiety was extremely high, I was shaking and pacing outside my job in the parking lot. I had got in my car to bring a coworker to get their car and they started yelling at me and I told them to stop because my anxiety is high I cannot handle that right now. Did they listen? Of course not. So everything in me wanted to flip my car because I couldn't handle it like I was already shaking and I was already on edge. I just wanted peace and quiet but I couldn't get it. It's crazy because how does one deal with high ass anxiety like this? My anxiety has been flared since August and it has been bad for that long. Yesterday, I wanted my car keys to stab a hole in my hand while somebody was talking to me and I am not the one to cut or self-harm but I felt like that was the only way to get my anxiety to calm down. Fucking life man. I don't know what the fuck is the root of this but I know the little factors. But little things, all add up to make big things.

I realized that doing this cold turkey is really one for the birds. I went from smoking and drinking and being alone nonstop during a depressive episode to only drinking and being on meds but also being social and allowing myself to feel emotions to now doing nothing but feel every emotion that comes to me. And what makes it worse is that I have no one here in this new city that I moved to that I can trust with these feelings and emotions. Everyone is scattered and the fact that I live by myself is not the best idea either. But I think I'm done with my rant for now.

Goodnight.

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