Let's Talk Situationships!

Situationships is something that we all experience in life whether we know it or not. We tend to think that if we do xyz that we are able to make a relationship out of something that was never discussed. So my Soror, Dr. LaKesha Thomas, and I are here to tell you about situationships.

Situationships seem to be rapidly replacing conventional relationships. This new trend seems to allow people the perks of being in a relationship (sex, companionship, etc) without the title or the commitment. Whether we know it or not, all of us have probably found ourselves in a situationship at some point even if we weren’t looking for one. We often end up in situationships because of lack of communication or because we are being sent mixed signals. Most people find themselves in a situationship before they have the “relationship talk” with the person they’re seeing. It’s almost like you can call them your boyfriend or girlfriend, but not quite yet.

So what exactly is a situationship?

According to Urban Dictionary, a situationship is a relationship that has no label on it.. like a friendship but more than a friendship but not quite a relationship.

So how do you know if you’re in a situationship? Here are some signs:

1. There’s NO Title on the Relationship

  • Meaning you are doing things that you would normally do while being in a relationship. For example, when people say “we together but not together.” This screams situationship because you either together or not together.

2. You Don’t Meet Each Other’s Friends

  • Meeting your partner friends helps you understand your partner better. So, if you aren’t able to meet the people that they hang out with then how would you know how your “partner” acts when you aren’t around?

3. You Avoid Talking About the Future

  • When avoiding talks about the future it can mean one of two things. One they are scared of commitment or they do not see a future with you so instead of letting you know ahead of time they just continue to play it by ear.

4. You’re NOT Dating Anyone Else

  • Normally this happens when you establish that you are dating exclusively, but if you noticed that you stopped talking to all your potentials and they still have others around then you have found yourself in a situationship.

5. You See Each Other Mostly at Night

  • If this is happening to you then your partner doesn’t feel comfortable to show you off in public. If you are going by them or vice versa nine times out of ten you being kept a secret and nobody knows about you.

6. You DO NOT Go on Dates

  • This ties in with Tip #5. Your partner should want to show you off. Even if it isn’t on social media. You shouldn’t be cooped in the house all the time and ordering take out.

Avoiding situationships can be tricky. While situationships may be comfortable for some, this may be bothersome to others. If your main objective of dating is to settle down and find the one, then a situationship is definitely not it. Just remember to communicate openly with your partner from the beginning about your expectations and your personal objectives for dating; and, listen to your partner’s expectations as well. We often listen to respond and not to understand, so your partner may tell you up front that they don’t want a relationship, but we get caught up and ignore that important fact. Also, watch your partners actions as well to make sure both actions and words match. People send mixed signals all the time and if the actions say relationship but the words say I’m not ready or vice versa, then it’s a situationship.

It's often said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. If we keep falling into the same pattern repeatedly, then we will never change our situation. If you’re in a situationship and you want out, then you have to stop falling into the same cycle. If you’ve already fallen in love with this partner, then you have to decide whether you love them or yourself more. If the answer is yourself, then it’s time to hit the road. Here are a few ways to help you shake unwanted situationships:

1. Phone Tactics

  • Whenever you get a message or phone call from that person, if they follow you on social media you can post petty things on social media, tweet something along the lines “Somebody wanna text my phone dry?”, or if you are anything like me I turn my read receipts on and open their messages. There’s no better way of saying stop talking to me than being left on read.

2. The Friend Zone

  • So whenever they hit you up you can answer the phone like “Hey Friend/buddy/bud/kid” (that's what I do) After a while they will get tired of you calling them that and start to call you that back to get under your skin but it won’t work.

3. Working On Me

  • This line will get you through a lot of unwanted situations. Once you start working on yourself they will see that you are about to upgrade bigger and better and they will hate the fact that you are letting them go.

4. Social Media

  • POST those thirst traps on your stories and on Instagram! Show them that you are single and you have options! Let you timeline know that you are single and that you are ready to mingle. You only live once so why not go big or go home!

So I asked my followers on Twitter and Instagram the following questions:

Have you ever been in a situationship?

  • Yes 76%

  • No 7%

  • Kinda 17%

Instagram Votes

  • Yes 80%

  • No 7%

  • Kinda 13%

Do you know what a situationship is?

  • Yes 89%

  • No 3%

  • Kinda 8%

Instagram Votes

  • Yes 95%

  • No 0%

  • Kinda 5%

“Honestly situationships generally are an accident that ends up with someone hurting the other. One person truly enjoys the company of the other with no regards of a relationship without ever letting the other know.”

Do you prefer a situationship over a relationship?

  • Yes 5%

  • No 95%

Instagram Votes

  • Yes 7%

  • No 93%

"Thought I did. But then I caught feelings and actually want more."

How do you end up in a situationship?

"My situationship started by being a shoulder to cry on. We weren’t really friends at first he was just on a sports team and he followed me on snap. So one day his gf broke up with him. I Dmd him asking how he was doing why she posting sad shit. I give him my number telling him if he never needs to have a talk I’m here. I don’t mind helping people heal. June passes on we still texting and communicating. Schools starts, we still texting talking. Fast forward to September found out they got back together two weeks in June and never knew about it." "Just block em 🤦🏽‍♀️🤷🏾‍♂️" "By falling for someone that isn’t meant to be that person in your life." "Not setting boundaries" "By fucking accident cause niggas ain’t shit and pretend that they are 🤷🏽‍♀️" " “Going with the flow” instead of defining what y’all actually are #NoLabels" "By not stating your expectations" "By not clearly defining your intentions with a person" "When both people are trying to stay guarded and don’t want to let the other person all the way in u settle for a situationship." "I can’t speak for everyone but I usually end up in situationships because the person likes me but it’s fully ready to commit, usually for fear of emotional hurt, trust issues, etc. so giving some commitment but not completely commitment is all they are ready for." "Moving too fast without communicating on exactly what it is that both parties want out of the relationship."

"You end up in a situationship when neither one of y’all are clear on what’s going on”

How do you normally get out of a situationship?

"Block em" "Simply break it off" "I try to look at both point of views and see where the differences and similarities are" "I had to make myself less available" "Choosing yourself sis... let that man go #BoyBye" "Just ghost her ahh" "Ghost they ass lol" "Either ghosting or communicating where things are or aren’t going" "I usually ask what it is and ask where it’s going. If I don’t like the answers I tell them it’s best to be friends bc that’s less complicated." "Slowly stop giving as much time to that person."

"How you get out of one is simple just cut all ties with the other person of course explain why you doing it then look for your happiness”

When you catch feelings do you let your partner know? Why or Why not?

"I told him. We both had feelings for each other and it was awkward af" "Yes" "What’s the purpose of letting them know if the whole idea was to not catch feelings" "Yes, because I gotta be honest" "Yes cause you don’t wanna invest your time and feelings for someone who ain’t there" "No ... but it wasn’t established from jump" "I did. They were mutual." "I did, and that’s when I was able to understand that it was a situationship." "Yes, Because imma big girl and I don’t wanna be a shitty person" "Yeah in case the feelings aren’t mutual. It’ll stop confusion in advance."

Does situationships break up friendships?

  • Yes 71%

  • No 29%

Instagram Votes

  • Yes 84%

  • No 16%

Testimonies:

"We were coworkers and I guess you can say that we flirted. But we started to hang out outside of work and it was cool. We just started having sex but kept it only as that. Cool. Well one day I was going out and he was like don't do anything and I asked what you mean because I am single and I can do as I pleased. So he proceed to say that "This pussy is mines and nobody's else so do not do anything". I am like okay whatever I am still doing what I want because I am single. So a week or two went by and I asked him "What are we?" and he goes to say "We are friends like don't go trying to put a label on something we good how we are". Now granted he is at my house 24/7. He doesn't have a car so I pick him up from his people house and everything. I haven't met his people nor his friends just the ones we work with. I use to buy our food because he ever wanted to eat was Taco Bell. We only went out in public once and that's when I didn't want to drive to BR by myself. So after awhile I got tired of it all and just stopped responding to him and when I got let go from the job due to the season being over. It made it easier to deal with because I wasn't seeing him and feeling bad and whatnot."

"He started off as a shoulder to cry on because me and my boyfriend at the time was going through it. But once we officially broke up everything went left. The same night that we broke up, I ended up at his house and we ended up fucking. I knew he had a girlfriend but since I was emotionally distraught it didn't matter. We started doing relationship things and all. It was nice since my ex was across the states now for a new job and I didn't I have to worry about him doing anything because I knew that he was taken. So we had the best thing going. Until one day, I finally got over my ex and stopped messing with the dude. "

"We met on Tinder, and it was all peachy until we met in person. We hung out every other week due to the fact that my school schedule and his work schedule didn't match. He started doing things that I didn't approve of. For example, he would try to make demands about where, who, and when I was going somewhere, but would NEVER let me know when he was in town. We do not have dates, its more of a hey you wanna come lay here and cuddle. So I am trying to cut him off but I don't have a team so I need somebody to be here to past my time."

So you all know I cannot write a blog without giving my story… I have been in 3-4 situationships, but the one that I would consider hurts the most is the recent one due to the fact that the other ones started off as sexual and this one started off as a friendship. Honestly, I am scared to cut it off because our friendship is bomb as hell. Like we talk on the phone daily, around each other weekly, all of that. I knew I had liked this person due to the fact that every time I was around them I get extremely nervous. I told a few friends about them and they are rooting for us but I am not. I feel like the boundaries that we have set are inclusive with how I am feeling now, in a way. So I am just trying to play it by ear but this waiting game is getting old, and I found myself cutting off people. Which I never do unless they piss me off. So that’s when I knew that I had to get myself in check and start doing things that I use to do. My read receipts came back on, I started going on other dates, and just talked to them whenever they hit me up. Granted it’s going to be hard to completely cut this person and honestly, I wouldn’t cut them off completely just because of the bond that we have. I was told to ask them a lot of different questions, but my thing is if we aren’t together then why should I feel obligated to ask them these questions? That would just put a strain on the relationship that we have and not make things better, ya know? So I don’t know, I am currently just here chilling and living the best life that is given to me.

Situationships are extremely tricky and you or the person involved can get hurt. Although you cannot avoid most situationships be careful on what all you will allow and will not allow. Do not dismiss your feelings because you feel as if since you all are not in a relationship then your feelings doesn't matter. That is a lie! Relationship or not your feelings ALWAYS matter. Like tell everyone "Closed mouths do not fed!" If you know what you want then go for it. If they say no but still treating you as if y'all are together then leave because time is hard to come by. If siutationships are your thing then kudos to you because that is extremely rare.

As always my DMs are open for you to come to me and ask me whatever you may need. I am here a voice. Use me so you will be able to be heard.

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