So I have been dealing with being diagnosed anxiety and depression for a little over a year now. Each episode is different some are harder than others. I was always told that I couldn't be depressed because I always got whatever I wanted. That's not a hundred percent true, I am blessed growing up I didn't need anything, everything was always provided to us. My mom and my grandma are my biggest supporters. My dad was the provider whatever money could pay for that was reasonable or that we needed he got it for us. I believe this is when things started to go south for me. I grew up in a single parent home trying my best to provide for my mom and sister. Trying to be the backbone for the family since I was the oldest. At times it was hard, I cried myself to sleep some nights. I asked God, "Why me why my family?" As the years went on I took all that baggage and made it heavier. Whatever hurt I felt I threw it in the bag and said, "Whatever it's life."
When I got into my first relationship in jr high, I was cheated on. I chucked it into the bag and was like okay lesson learned. The second relationship the same thing got cheated on chucked it in the bag and was like "whatever its life". The third relationship it happened again, now I was fed up. I was ready to fight and everything but again I chucked into the bag at the end. The fourth relationship, I had a miscarriage, but before the miscarriage, I was told to abort it because I was going to ruin his dreams and plans with a baby. At that point, my bag was already overfilled that I had no more room. Sh-Kaia had finally reached her breaking point and couldn't understand what was going on. I fell into a depression my anxiety attacks worsen and I was stuck. I didn't know what to do. I blamed him for everything that happened. How I became cold-hearted and how that I did everything in my nature to abide by his rules but didn't get much in return.
But this isn't what this post is about. I am here to say that I forgive you, each and every one of y'all. Being a part of my life and my story made me who I am today. I am NOT weak. I am strong. I am a fighter! All the times I contemplated suicide but didn't because I know that my purpose here on Earth isn't filled. Don't judge me by the chapter that you walked in on but by the purpose that I am here to be a part of your life or you being apart of mines. Yesterday I wanted to die, this morning I still wanted to die. But right now at 1:35 pm on Tuesday, December 4, 2018, I want to live. I will continue to find myself and help others. I want to be able to understand my depression and how to treat it on my own. I want to be able to help others with their depression. I will NOT be stuck in a sunken place anymore. I will find joy from within and I will be happy again. I won't carry around that bag anymore and I am leaving all that hurt and pain here on this post because it will no longer affect me. Today is a new day and I am living for the purpose of the greater good.
I am sorry if I hurt you in the past. It was never my intentions to do so. If you would like to talk about it I am always a call, text, DM, or email away. I love you all and it's time for Kyy to start living for Kyy again. Because I do not want to die I want to live!
Jermermiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you" -- this is the Lord's declaration -- "plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and hope."