Day 24 out of 22

So it's Monday, two days after the twenty-second. The twenty-second came and hit me hella hard. I ended up doing things that I regret doing but I did it out of hurt and anger. I realized after the fact that I was wrong and there is still nothing that I can do because "I'm sorry" only goes so far.

I realized in these last twenty-four days that I haven't actually processed this at all this month. Yesterday was the first day that I actually realized that I did have a miscarriage last year. That after my miscarriage, I got dropped off at my apartment and was left alone after that. I even went to work the next day as if nothing happened.

I guess it is the fact that I tried to act like nothing happened again before the 22nd came about and I made it through up until the 22nd and now. I made sure that I was strong enough to be able to seem like everything was okay when in actuality I wasn't. I put my emotions on the back burner to please everyone else, trying to be strong for others when I couldn't even be strong for myself. Being that I am very independent I do not depend on others to be there for me. So, I tend to brush them off when I need them the most.

Today I realized that I can longer fake that I am okay when I broke down in my office. I also realized that my anti-depressants aren't able to help me with this either. I have brushed my feelings off so much that it's to the point where I cannot do it anymore. I do not know what else to do other than just be vulnerable and try to be there for myself and push everyone else out, so I won't hurt them.

Being unstable isn't fun nor easy to manage. It actually brings a great deal of unwanted anxiety and confusion into my life. Being able to stop that and deal with everyday life is hard enough. I am going to make it through and be able to learn from this and grow from it as a person.

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Do you ever wonder why whenever you want somebody they don't want you back? BUT as soon as you do as they say and move along, they come back full force and try to guilt-trip you into feeling bad about

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